


Assassins Anonymous

by AnneLaurant



Category: W.I.T.C.H.
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Assassin AU, Bad Humor, Crack, Gen, Implied Bullying, Implied Violence, Merged Cartoonsverse and Comicsverse, Slight Mentions of Gore, aro-ace phobos, clingy phobos, implied sexual content (or not), this is so bad it's so good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 03:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9365738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneLaurant/pseuds/AnneLaurant
Summary: One fine day in Kandrakar University, Phobos' best-friend-turned-personal-servant comes to him and casually confesses about his girlfriend, who apparently was a programming student but turned an assassin because her course was constantly trying to kill her.Phobos' response is the most natural thing he'd do in this situation: take advantage of it.[Crack!Fic, Modern AU, Complete, Mature for reasons stated in the tags, but otherwise this is just a crackfic. Read the tags first if you're unsure about reading this, but I promise it's good.]





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [howlingmoonrise (TheDarkStoryteller)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkStoryteller/gifts).



> I blame howlingmoonrise for this. :) Programming life is da lyfe. <3  
> ...ew that's disgusting what did I just type ew super ew ew ew ew!
> 
> Also all the named characters are canon. Find Ari and Yua in the third saga, and Ambros Dale in the Orube Special. ;D I only got Nerissa's last name from somewhere, and Zayden is the name they gave to Elyon and Phobos' father in the cartoons.

Phobos thinks about how to kill the Oracle for the fifteen hundredth time.  
  
Technically, it's the 1,582nd time, but who cares.  
  
Everybody does the same. They all complain about the Oracle's stupid philosophy lessons. He'll babble on about the forces of good and evil, about the flow of energy around them, about how time will tell them the answers. Phobos thinks he's too lazy to give the class actual answers, and so did the majority of all his students.  
  
It's only one of the reasons that Phobos doesn't like university life at all. He fucking hates it, and his mother is obviously the queen of false advertising.  
  
At least, he goes to school with Cedric, his best-friend-turned-personal-servant. Cedric is the butt of all his jokes and pranks, and it makes Phobos feel a lot better.  
  
So when Cedric stops hanging around him and starts hanging around this beautiful girl... Phobos was self-proclaimed 'prank-sexual' and 'power-romantic', so naturally, he didn't feel a damn thing about girls, but this one who manages to be constantly beautiful and awkward at the same time just... Phobos is constantly battling with himself, to let his servant date and have some amusement while he's watching them deal with everyone in their funny little ways, and to tear them apart because their flirting is too sickening and she's tearing away his precious prank-Cedric-now time. (And oh, how could he forget the day they became 'official'? Cedric went Shakespeare on her! Brrr!! They attracted the university's attention and was even the news on FaceBook for _weeks_!)  
  
In the end, he lets them be. Phobos remembers Cedric's high school romance, Miranda. It's funny; Cedric has this similar taste in his girls when it came to appearances.  
  
Personality-wise, it's different. His new girl has her own charm, definitely, but she's very naive and literal, too. Phobos doesn't know whether he feels respect or disrespect. He's constantly in a limbo.  
  
And then, one fine day, that scale starts to swing towards the two sides rather vigorously, constantly changing its mind; whether to take one or the other, it never quite settled anymore.  
  
It starts with Cedric casually approaching Phobos. It's quite rare; he'd never do it, not with his lovesickness. There's a problem, a _biiiiig_ problem, and Phobos knows it. It's from the way Cedric walks, the way Cedric frowns and wears this I-actually-give-zero-fucks glare in his eyes, and the way Cedric sighs. Phobos simply looks up from his laptop.  
  
"So hey Phobos let me tell you about my girlfriend. She was once in programming, but it constantly tried to kill her, so she begun to do the same as it did and now she's a top-level assassin."  
  
Phobos stares at his best-friend-turned-personal-servant.

WHAT.

THE.

_SHIT._

He turns to his laptop again, and finds that he'd spelled Elyon with a lot of random letters at the end. Maybe he'll call her that now... but back to the current thing--  
  
"An _assassin_ ," Phobos repeats, " _Orube_ is an _assassin_." When did you find out, is the unspoken question.  
  
Of course, it's not unheard. "She told me last night. I caught her bathed in blood. I don't mind it, but... I can't convince her to kill my Classic Literature professor."  
  
Wait. That's it. _THAT'S IT!_ Phobos' head is suddenly swarmed by so many ideas -- _Oracle--I mean Professor Himerish can kiss his office goodbye, and then there's Elyon but do I really want her gone because I'd have no more butts to kick, and how about her friend, Will Vandom that meddlesome brat_ \-- yes, where does he start?  
  
\--  
  
Cedric thinks this is all a bad idea. Phobos can't blame him. This is the riskiest thing ever, and the way that assassins were written in literature, it doesn't come with any manuals for situations wherein you're college students at the verge of sweet, beautiful death and you happen to be friends with someone who happens to be an assassin.  
  
It's the first time that Phobos will talk to that girl directly. He never refers to her by name in any normal situation (how dare she steal his Cedric) and he, like Cedric, fears her (even if Phobos doesn't want to admit so). However, this isn't any normal situation, and Phobos has little time or patience to be fearful.  
  
Orube - that's her name - is a little surprised. She should be; Phobos never approaches anyone unless he's in dire need of assistance, or in deep, dark trouble (but like he'd tell anybody that). She almost drops her own laptop, battered and bruised from its battles with, hm, compiling and programming, whatever that shit is.  
  
Phobos doesn't let her greet him. He reserves the right to speak first.  
  
"I heard of your... secret nightly deeds, Orube, and I applaud you for having taken such an admirable profession."  
  
Her expression darkens. She shoots a very heated glare at Cedric, who, no doubt, cowers in response. Phobos is slightly disappointed that he is not addressed first, but he forgives her. If Cedric suffers, then it's all for the good of the world. Har, har.  
  
"What do you want?" she asks, her voice low and hushed.  
  
"The Oracle, Professor Himerish."  
  
Orube immediately shakes her head. No...? "He... 'inspired' me to be who I am today."  
  
Oh. "I'll find you a tutor."  
  
"He endorsed all my equipment and training."  
  
"I'll get someone to do your projects and ace them."  
  
It gets silent for a while. Phobos knows she's taking it into consideration. Cedric's gestures point to trying to convince both of them out of it, but Phobos shoves his face out of the scene.  
  
"...I'll think about it."  
  
Cedric groans and face-palms. Phobos laughs in triumph.  
  
"Wonderful."  
  
\--  
  
Of course she doesn't do it. The days pass and so do a handful of students for their midterm examinations, but Phobos' personal request still isn't fulfilled. He still sees the Oracle come in and out, speaking about his very boring un-philosophical shit. Then again, Phobos hasn't fulfilled his end of the bargain.  
  
He's unamused again, but he can't do anything much, but change targets.  
  
At lunch, he slides a piece of paper and a photo over to Orube, who sits next to Cedric, who sits opposite him. Phobos smiles as Orube gives a questioning stare. Cedric peeks over, and gasps.  
  
"Jonathan Ludmoore," he whispers, "He's slightly responsible for Cedric's poor, poor state."  
  
Cedric accuses him, but why will good old Phobos put him in a desert? Orube doesn't say much, but at least, the slip of paper and the photo don't join the crumpled sheets of papercode.  
  
The next day, it's on the news. Promising chemist and rumored occultist Jonathan Ludmoore dies of being burned by his formulae. Nobody suspects foul play, and no operative has reported of any anomaly. _Huh..._  
  
That very day, Phobos also skips first class to steal money from his mother's wallet, and slips his payment into Orube's pocket.  
  
\--  
  
Phobos is terribly, _terribly_ pissed when he passes the names of the next targets.  
  
It's a list of the people who'd called him Phillip. (The ones he remembers anyway... but does he really forget?! Of course not! _NEVER!_ ) It's the name his cursed parents gave him, but he doesn't like it, and when he gets out of the house, he'll officially change it to Phobos.  
  
"I thought Phobos was your name," Orube comments, giving the list little attention, as she types onto her poor laptop.  
  
"It is," Cedric answers her. She doesn't question it. Good. Nobody questions Phobos for petty little reasons.  
  
It doesn't get done quickly. She's working on a major requirement, Cedric tells Phobos, and judging her temperament, she'll probably get it done within a week.  
  
And within a week, a group of students on a field trip fall to their death. The only collateral damage is the driver, and all the students are part of his hit list. Phobos is amazed at how that happened, considering that this group comes from different departments. Cedric answers him with, "It's stress."  
  
Phobos merely anticipates the news and dances with joy, until the hit list is completely X-ed out at the end of that week.  
  
\--  
  
Phobos is bored again. Orube does her job too efficiently, and it isn't the same since Cedric started helping her out with her... 'job'. Phobos can't bother Cedric at night, because the guy's out to help with preps and clean-up, and is constantly worn out by the stake-outs and the battle with his Literature Major.  
  
So, Phobos selects a random target.  
  
"Yua, school 'banshee.' I think Ari wants her gone, since she's been mocking his 'teenage dad' status."  
  
He slides the envelope across to Orube. For some reason, she's being cold to Cedric today, and now she's chosen to sit next to Phobos. She should be proud; Phobos never lets just anybody sit with him and more importantly, next to him.  
  
"Good choice," she remarks.  
  
Cedric tells him later that it's a personal grudge. Apparently, Miss Banshee regularly riles up people's nerves. Well, say goodbye. In three days, Yua's face is in the news. Her body is discovered in a dark alley, with her head bashed past the point of recognition. Okay, that's not a very good image, but all you who are reading this should know that it's her photo on the news, not her face at the time of her discovery, because that's just morbid.  
  
Ari, who's apparently in Agriculture, is ecstatic. He wants to thank the one who removed his enemy. Of course, Phobos wants to take the credit; that's the most natural thing to do. He doesn't say it outright; he simply tells Ari that, "If ever you're in need, you know who to tell," with a devious wink.  
  
Ari gives him money, and rumors spread.  
  
\--  
  
"Nerissa Crossnic!"  
  
The name makes Phobos' blood boil. That stuck-up pompous bitch; she just stole _his_ spotlight and gave the... so-called "best" performance at the theater auditions! That part she stole isn't even a _woman's role_ ; that part is supposed to be _Phobos'_! _Not hers!_  
  
"FUCK! FUCK! _FUCK!_ Stop it! Stop compiling! I didn't tell you to-- _fuck!_ "  
  
"B.S.O.D! I told you you should've sav-- _OUCH!_ "  
  
Phobos turns to the lovebirds next to him. Orube once again lost contact with her systems, and Cedric is at her mercy again.  
  
She should stop beating Cedric up for things he didn't do (only Phobos can do that) and start... start... taking a... little breather!  
  
"Psst."  
  
Orube looks at him. She's a little pissed, having argued once that he hasn't been paying her a decent amount, but he knows she's in dire need of a distraction. Phobos smiles.  
  
"You need a little breather?"  
  
"I hate to admit it, but badly."  
  
"Nerissa Crossnic."  
  
Nerissa goes. The news reports her body as very badly bruised, like a sorority hazing gone very, very wrong. The university does not miss her, though, not even the casting director. It turns out he was seduced to give the role. Yuck. Again, Phobos drops the hint, and in his hand, money is dropped. This time, Phobos does not forget to leave his spare (and very cringy) e-mail address: princeofmeridian@freemail.org.  
  
\--  
  
It doesn't take too long before the finals are over, and the summer break came along. Phobos is very happy to be free from school, but that means he also gets to spend his days with his father, his mother, and his sister. Ew.  
  
So Orube gives him a choice. She plans to introduce Cedric to her parents ( _already???_ ), and she's polite enough to invite mighty Phobos.  
  
So mighty Phobos tags along.  
  
It's awkward.  
  
Orube's family lives in a very, very big traditional Japanese house. It makes Phobos desire to live in something even bigger. Her parents are strict and quiet and... weird. They let Phobos stay without much fuss, and they only ask Cedric if he can fight. Phobos is amazed at his best friend. That idiot. When did he start training and gaining all that muscle, and why isn't Phobos told of this? He isn't given the time to ask; Orube's father takes him away to train him.  
  
So Phobos has no choice but to talk to Orube.  
  
His first question is one thing he thought of when Cedric was introduced: "Why didn't you train with your father?"  
  
She answers: "It's too far, and plus, they'd be wondering why a programming student is into fitness."  
  
"Then tell them you need it for self-defense."  
  
"If you mean basic training, I do that. The complex ones I had for my... profession, however..."  
  
The next question is: "And why am I invited here?"  
  
The answer: "I thought you'd appreciate it. Besides, you and Cedric are practically joined at the hip; a package two-in-one deal."  
  
"That's a lie. He left me alone when he started going after you."  
  
"He's afraid I might kill you or something." It was probably a metaphor at first... a metaphor gone horribly literal.  
  
But! The most important thing is: "...will you mind if I live with you when you two get married?"  
  
She sighs. "As long as you do something to merit your stay."  
  
"YES!"  
  
For the first time, Phobos feels like he's in a family, even if this family is a little weird and is a little obsessed with body fitness.  
  
\--  
  
Then, while all three of them are hanging out in Orube's room, Phobos feels the need to dig up Cedric's dating history, just to spite him.  
  
"So Cedric, about you and Miranda..."  
  
It has a good start. Phobos carefully selects the details to say - physical appearances, quirks, favorites, habits, and so on. Cedric's shifting very uncomfortably in his seat, and Orube's giving glares every now and then.  
  
Then it gets awkward and downright horrible and disgusting.  
  
All because Phobos decides to accuse Cedric, "I bet you even had a secret love life!"  
  
Cedric looks terribly guilty. He's sweating and trembling; of course that's gotta be saying something. So he does say something, and Phobos wishes it's just a dream (or nightmare, a very very bad nightmare that he should forget, but can't): "...I didn't tell you this, but in high school, before I dated Miranda, I once dated _Elyon_."  
  
Orube is confused, but Phobos? Oh, Phobos feels like he's having a heart attack. It makes all the creases of his face appear, and probably even adds more! It probably makes him look like a gossipy school girl too, but he has to say it, and he has to drag it out, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!"  
  
Cedric also looks like he regrets confessing that.  
  
" _I trusted you!_ " he screams, slowly pronouncing each word, " _I trusted you and you betrayed me!_ "  
  
That night, Cedric spends the night alone in the separate room meant for Phobos (HAH!) and Phobos sleeps next to Orube. It's a weird arrangement, but Phobos is making sure that his best-friend-turned-personal-servant-turned-liar-and-traitor is suffering.  
  
Of course, he has to ask Orube something, too. She beats him to it, though. That's okay. Phobos needs to explain the monstrosity that is Elyon.  
  
"So who's Elyon?"  
  
"My little sister."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Everybody loves her for no reason. Even... Cedric. Ugh."  
  
"Is it the age gap?"  
  
"No! Miranda looked even younger than her and she's our age!"  
  
And then it dawns on Phobos that Cedric's consistent with having very weird tastes in his women. And that Elyon was once his woman. Ew. Ew. _Ew._ Super ew. Terribly eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!  
  
Orube is quiet, so Phobos takes the opportunity to ask. It's his turn now. No more questions. No more discussions about Elyon. Ew.  
  
"What do you see in him, anyway?"  
  
Orube shrugs. "I don't know. He's cute. And helpless at times."  
  
"...he's a wimp and you like him for being a wimp?"  
  
"He's smart, too. Smart and sly. But even so, he's just so... helpless."  
  
Phobos shakes his head. _What is wrong with everybody?!_  
  
\--  
  
One night in his happy vacation (happy, sans the night Cedric confessed about... that disgusting fact), Phobos decides to open his cringy e-mail.  
  
It's got five new messages, all asking for his 'assistance' to... eliminate competition.  
  
He calls Orube over. He has enough respect for her now to let her choose her 'mice' - the new term for 'targets'.  
  
She reviews the list of mice and the information. She really could use the kills for this season, or else the investigators will eventually pinpoint her - widen the scope, so to say.  
  
"Then start with Endarno. Professor Endarno, Oracle's competition," Phobos suggests.  
  
Orube nods, but she's concerned about one thing. "But Cedric's too tired in the evenings to cover up for me. Can you do it?"  
  
Phobos takes a crash course the next morning while Orube studies her mouse, and on the next night, he does very flawlessly, even more perfect than he expected it to be.  
  
Professor Endarno, bright yet aggressive with his many ideas and his brilliant papers, gets an untimely death when he gets killed by what the police and forensics think to be a stray bullet. Orube is darned excellent at what she's doing, and Phobos yet again owes her respect.  
  
The only thing he can't respect, though, is her skill at cooking, or rather, her lack of it. It's during these little moments that the very cold Orube flips to the very naive and confused Orube. "Your future as a wife is a little dark, dear," her mother remarks at the dinner table. Phobos tries not to laugh, and Cedric chokes on his tea.  
  
\--  
  
The list of five summer mice is now clear, the break is very much over at the turn of the day, and Orube and Cedric are very much engaged. (Of course, it's only Phobos who decided that last bit.)  
  
Phobos is a little disappointed, but he's been promised a seat in the wedding and lodging in their house, at least. Of course; he deserves to. How dare they. He's been managing their cash flow in that secret bank account he opened for Orube's 'hunts', and he can now take Cedric's job if dear Cedric is too tired to do cover-ups and preps and all that shenanigans.  
  
What isn't too good, is the state of his cringy princeofmeridian inbox.  
  
Orube reviews it with furrowed brows at Cedric's dorm room. That's the only place they can stay in for now; Orube's boarding expired, and Phobos doesn't want to go home at all. The couple is pissed off, of course.  
  
"Just do it," Phobos suddenly says in retaliation, and he lets his mouth run in spite of the glares he's receiving, "If not, I'll take your precious Cedric away, har, har~"  
  
Phobos is an idiot to actually enter this act for Cedric, composed of inappropriate groping and uncalled-for intimate gestures...  
  
Phobos should've already gotten the message that it isn't the best idea to piss off Orube, he ponders as he hangs off a tree. Technically, it's his clothes that are stuck, pinned to the branches with fucking unsharpened pencils and several pen cases. The neighborhood calls for firemen to get him down, and while Phobos appreciates attention, he hates it when he's humiliated at the same time.  
  
So he's forced to go home, empty-handed. He tells his mother that Cedric kidnapped his luggage, and his mother only tells him that he probably deserved it. Elyon the Brat adds he totally deserves it. Phobos shoves her face, and she cries. How unsightly for a high school senior. His father tells him that he's grounded. Yeah, like that man cared. Politics is a damned thing that took away time from one's family, and Phobos is currently taking a Humanities program so he can apply for Law graduate studies...  
  
He'll happily follow their footsteps, so he can undo whatever they did. Har, har.  
  
That night, Phobos hatches a plan. He goes to bed at a very early hour, and wakes up at exactly 3:00 A.M. He calls Cedric, who, for the love of Orube, answers immediately and tells him to knock it off. Phobos, being Phobos, congratulates his dear, dear friend for his lost virginity.  
  
At exactly 3:25, Orube takes the phone, and starts off her rant. Well, no, it's actually a death threat. It details specifically how Phobos will die at her hands - the methods, the weapons, the step-by-step procedures.  
  
Phobos doesn't put his phone down, because he's far too amused.  
  
At exactly 4:39, Phobos gets the chance to answer. It's not a very intelligent reply, but at four and a half in the morning, it isn't expected for anyone to be exactly sober about their thoughts. "I bet Cedric's getting off to your death threat just now."  
  
And it's only then that Phobos ends the call, and cackles so loudly, that he woke Elyon up. She bangs their common wall twice, and he merely knocks back twice.  
  
Expectedly, Phobos doesn't attend the first week of classes. But, even if he wants to say he did it out of choice, he can't shake off the fact that he didn't go because of his ill health. That night Cedric and Orube had--well, that night Phobos made the prank call, at exactly 4:57 A.M., he realized that Orube can very much exact that very death threat she just gave him, and contracted a very high fever.  
  
\--  
  
The first thing that Phobos says when he reunites with Cedric and Orube is, "Orube, one thing. Why did you stick with programming?"  
  
The couple is silent. Cedric doesn't like the situation, but it's evident he doesn't know the reason either, so he doesn't say anything.  
  
Orube thinks for a while, but she leads them to the office of one of the school's publications. "This guy," she says, "Is entirely at fault."  
  
Cedric opens the door - Phobos will not; why would he? The man behind the desk inside the room immediately tells them to go away, but cowers in fear when Orube gets in the room.  
  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he screams, "I didn't tell anyone! Please forgive me! Please take me off your list?" Pathetic.  
  
Later at lunch, Orube elaborates, "Ambros Dale. He forced me to take programming instead of journalism. He didn't want competition."  
  
Phobos laughs. "Why didn't you just shift back?"  
  
"I would, if I could, but my parents were already upset at my... 'sudden change of mind'. I'm managing now, though, thanks to... _this_."  
  
"Well, why didn't you kill him back then?"  
  
"...I had the heart to spare him. I can't say I regret it. He turned out to be useful for covering up a lot of my tracks, before Cedric started working with me. Now, he's just doing publicity stunts."  
  
Phobos laughs some more.  
  
In the next few days, he gets Ambros Dale to covertly advertise for Orube's little service.  
  
\--  
  
As the days go on, e-mails build up, mice get disposed, and the money in the secret bank account accumulates, Phobos realizes something again: _they need a name._  
  
So he decides with his little group (not really; it's a one-sided conversation but that doesn't sound as awesome as 'deciding with your group').  
  
It's cringy, but Phobos wants to use the name that Nerissa Crossnic had in mind for her groupies. It's the worst he could do for her memory, har, har! And of course! The name of the school. This little gig started here, and it'll be too impolite to not reference. And of course, he put up the Oracle as the instigator of the whole thing. Maybe keeping him alive was the best idea ever.  
  
And speaking of the best idea ever, this was the name: " _The Guardians of Kandrakar._ "  
  
Ew. Orube even laughs at it.  
  
But it's much, much better than the "Assassins Anonymous <3" that Cedric sluggishly recommended. Lame!  
  
\--  
  
 _When Eleanor "Elyon" Escanor enters Kandrakar University the following year, she hears rumors._  
  
 _"The Guardians of Kandrakar will protect you from all your unwanted professors, classmates, boardmates, and pretty much anyone else you want gone."_  
  
 _Even until after she graduated, she still thinks that all this 'Guardians' act is a big prank started by her silly big brother Phillip (Phobos)._

**Author's Note:**

> And since the scene where Phobos calls Cedric in the middle of the night is only detailed on Phobos' side, I'll let you imagine what the shit was happening on the other side with Cedric and Orube. Probably Cedric was waiting for her while she gets back from the mouse-killing, hence the time (and timing) of their conversations with Phobos.
> 
> Also, if you're still confused, Phobos is doing a Pre-Law, Cedric is in Literature, and Orube is in, sigh, Programming (she used to be in Journalism).


End file.
